My friends, they love my intelligence
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
