Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize