I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
