I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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