our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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