Jerry, you need to find god
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
