The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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