I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We just shotgunned beers for America
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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