In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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