Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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