you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Less talking, more tequila
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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