I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
They have beer where we have blood.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
