so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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