I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
