I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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