Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
