oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My ATM looks so different sober.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
