After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Text me some of your sweat
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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