everyone is single if you try hard enough
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
