Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
