I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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