wakey wakey hands off snakey
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
