Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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