My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
