be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
