A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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