im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I still have a little drunk in my system
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
