The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
