am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
