Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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