smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
