if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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