I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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