someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
