God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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