dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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