im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
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