The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
