i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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