U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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