at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize