Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
