Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
tonight lets celebrate not being married
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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