The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
