everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize