Ambien. No doubt about it.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
