Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
