In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Farmville is her only friend.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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