Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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