I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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