just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My cat gives me a boner
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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