If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
