I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
