Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
