He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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