I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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