i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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