that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I need a burrito and a hug.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
