No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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