My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
