Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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