I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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