our cab driver is having phone sex.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
