Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize