my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Randomize
