dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize