its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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